Chamomile Archives – 3

Launch Pad

I failed in a subject.

My results were out yesterday morning and my friend had texted me that I had failed in a subject. I was cold for a minute. I did not know how to react to the situation. It was 6:00 in the morning and I knew the day ahead would be a long one given the catastrophe that had occurred. It was a strange feeling. I wanted to believe I was expecting the result to be so but I was scared to admit that to myself. Some part of me was convinced that I had done well and revaluation would yield a different result. I don’t know. This was the first time I had failed in a subject in a major exam. I don’t know whether I should be worried or not of the fact that rather than dealing with what had just happened, I started thinking about what I will write about it. How will I construct my blog post describing the events of that day. I told my mother and without any surprise, she took it really well. Then I decided to rip the band-aid off with my father. The first word he uttered when I told him I had failed in a subject was ‘no’. I, for once, became blank after hearing him. I did not know how to continue the conversation or even whether to.

The situation in college was no different as all of my friends’ results were disheartening. I found myself asking the process for revaluation. Something which was totally unprecedented. All these semesters I did not care for all these. I was happy with whatever marks I got. For the very first time, I had to consider the possibility of taking the exam again this semester. All of which would have been ridiculous for the 7th standard me. After some time, I started thinking and I realised, that this could very well be the push I need. Let me give you some context.

Remember Avengers part 1? When Phil Coulson was killed by Loki, Fury used Phil’s collectable cards as a binding agent to get the team together. Fury used the cards in Phil’s locker to make the Avengers realise that they had to work as a team which, until then, they had failed in. The setback of Phil Coulson’s death is what made Avengers go all out on Loki. Get the drift now?

This failure is what that is going to make me more determined than ever. While I hope the results will be in my favour after the revaluation is done, I will never forget the time when I looked at my mobile and got the text that I had failed. Now I know what it feels like. This will be my reference point for the rest of my life. I can’t believe I am actually wanting to feel good about whatever has happened.

Things happen. We can control only so much. Things happen and at times all we can do is spectate. What matters is how we react to it. What matters is how we try to make our life the way we want it to be and focus only on doing so. Focus only on what we can control.

This is the third post in the Chamomile Archives and every time I write and go to sleep, I kinda have a sense of satisfaction. Speaking about satisfaction, while opening up to a friend I realised how important it is to know the full story before reacting to anything. I opened up to him about something which was bothering me for almost a year and this I could not share it with anyone as it would have consequences. Only when I opened up I realised the importance of communication and transparency in any venture. I am not going into detail with this but I just had to let it out.

Coming back to failures, It has been almost two weeks since I started playing Squash and not once have I defeated Suraj. I came dangerously close to winning a set today but he snatched it right from my hands not once but thrice. I don’t regret it at all. I made him toil for points and that is what I am happy about. So, be ready for a long ass post on the day I win a set against him.

Until next time then.

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