Chamomile Archives – 4

An ounce of silence

Let me start off by welcoming some of the new followers of Equinox. A big and warm welcome to you all. Good to know people still have the time and inclination to read some bloke’s boring life and random ass thoughts. Without taking away credit from the whole writing and blogging fraternity, who’d still want to read just plain words right? I mean no filters, no neon taglines :D. Honestly,  it feels great to have new people coming in and hitting that little follow button. Thank you and feel free to leave comments below.

So a big gap from my previous post to this one but with good reason. I had to deal with my first internal test and life. Seriously I have come across such weird ass experiences in the past few weeks that sometimes I just took a step back and said: “Holy shit that is weird even for me!” Let me explain one at a time.

In the past few weeks, I have learnt a lot about human emotions. For those who didn’t know, I take a lot of interest in studying people, analysing their actions and deciphering their behaviour. This must be unusual for someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about others emotions most of the time. But I follow one thing very sincerely and that is to keep people in the grey area. Not black, not white but grey. That emotional space wherein the other person cannot understand whether I am a blood-seeking devil or the distant cousin of Archangel Gabriel. This is something which I have learnt from experience and not out of some Freud textbook. One of the primary steps to achieve this is to read and understand people. And when you take emotion out of the equation while dealing with people, all there is left is pure reasoning and logic. By seeing and perceiving things logically, I manage to get a hold on what the other person is going through. However shallow I might penetrate, it is good enough to get a sneak-peek into the person’s mind. And you will be surprised how much can be revealed in that momentary window. In the past few weeks, I have seen how actions have consequences beyond your expectations. I was caught between two parties in a petty classroom fight though I was just a spectator. Not going into details here, but, what I saw is how easy it is to rattle someone just by saying a few words at appropriate times. And of course, there always is the goddamned peer-pressure. I saw how important it is to pick a side and sticking to it come what may. I saw what it takes to take bullets from all around. Fascinating how much life can teach you, or rather how much you can learn from life just by looking and observing the things happening around you. On the other side, I was victim to a cold and sad betrayal which then had weird repercussions. But the surprising part is, I decided to let it go. Maybe for my own benefit, I don’t know but the fact is, I let it go. That is a shocker and something that hasn’t happened in a long time.

Coming to the first internal test, I was writing day and night to complete my assignments on time and somehow I made sure the first two tests went really well. This was then followed by a whole night of throwing up and spending hours in the bathroom which made me miss my next two tests. For some reason, no one was ready to believe that I was actually sick. I mean, can’t a man fall sick once in a while? It was just pure coincidence that it happened right before the two tough tests I had. However, I managed to score well in all other tests. Continuing from what I had written earlier, I found myself begging the lecturer for one mark. Literally, my friend Sujay and I went to our lecturer just to get our score increased by one goddamn mark. It so happened that I suppressed my own feelings just because I couldn’t answer my own conscience. This is something which I had ridiculed from day one. But after recent events, I have decided to put marks before my own conscience. It sure is depressing to change my whole ideology but when push comes to shove, I have to do even the unthinkable just to get my grades up. Yep, that one wretched letter at the end of my mark sheet is making me do things which I would have laughed at a year ago. These days, I am spending my free time finding something or the other to write just so that I do not fall back on anything. With absolutely no intention of downgrading/insulting the defence people, it is a bloody war here and we are the soldiers. I have been doing things which goes against every fibre of my being and what for? Grades baby. Grades. Whenever I sit down to write assignments, I tell myself to shut up, sit down and suck it up. Something which I just have to do for the next one year if my dreams have to become reality.

The past week was a very busy one for me. I had to go to my dentist on multiple occasions and a lot of errands. In all these days, I didn’t get a chance to just sit down and think in solitude. Today, I took a chair to the balcony and I just sat there gazing the street lights of the colony in front of my apartment. I was finally able to embrace silence again after a very long time. Although there was a baby crying its heart out and a dog barking pretty loudly, it was worth it. I felt that chill after the rains on my cheek and realised the value of silence. I was able to gather my thoughts and I rushed to my computer to start writing.

One of the good things that has been going on is that I have made significant progress in Squash. I managed to win a few sets against Suraj and God I was able to value that win. It was like all the hard work from a month paid off. I have managed to make him work for his points and my services have improved quite drastically. As I said, to Suraj, If I win against him, he wins.

Alright then,

Until next time.

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